Working, working, working

    I stared bleary eyed at the highway stretching out before me. The burgeoning traffic hummed along at well above the posted limit of 60 mph.  It was Monday and I was exhausted, driving to work yet again after working the weekend. 

    Some days it seemed I worked all the time.  I recalled the "days off" I had over the past week.         

    Wednesday I got up early for an appointment and returned straight home.  I had promised a friend I would "rest" for the remainder of the day. Trying to rest proved to be torture. I had to will myself to sit still for more than 10 minutes.  I kept thinking of things I needed to accomplish around the house: I had packing to do, laundry, cleaning, the car needed a wash and vacuum, the list went on and on.  

     My boss texted me. I could work Thursday if I wanted. I sighed before saying no. I needed to take the car for needed maintenance. I needed to start packing.  I could do those things today and work tomorrow, but.. oh yes.....I had promised to rest. 

     Ugh! Why was this so hard!  I feel constant fatigue, body aches and headaches, yet I can't be still. To not work makes me feel guilty and anxious. Could it be I am a workaholic?
   Cnn.com posted the following quiz by Brian E. Robinson under the heading "Are you a Workaholic?"

I prefer to do most things rather than ask for help. Always

I get impatient when I have to wait for someone else or when something takes too long. Always

I always seem to be in a hurry and racing against the clock. Always

I get irritated when I am interrupted while I am in the middle of something. Often

I stay busy and keep many irons in the fire. Often

I find myself doing two or three things at one time, such as eating lunch and writing a memo while talking on the phone. Often

I over commit myself by biting off more than I can chew. Often

I dive into projects to get a head start before all the phases have been finalized. Often

I feel guilty when I am not working on something. Always

It's important that I see the concrete results of what I do. Always

I am more interested in the final result of my work than in the process. Always

Things just never seem to move fast enough or get done fast enough for me. Always

I lose my temper when things don't go my way or work out to suit me. Often

I ask the same question over again after I've already been given the answer once. Sometimes

I spend a lot of time mentally planning and thinking about future events while tuning out the here and now. Sometimes

I find myself continuing to work after my coworkers have called it quits. Sometimes

I get angry when people don't meet my standards of perfection. Often

I get upset when I am in situations where I cannot be in control. Often

I spend more time working than socializing with friends or on hobbies or leisure activities. Always

I tend to put myself under pressure from self-imposed deadlines when I work. Always

It is hard for me to relax when I'm not working. Always
I get upset with myself for making even the smallest mistake. Always

I put more thought, time and energy into my work than I do my relationships with loved ones and friends. Always

I forget, ignore or minimize celebrations such as birthdays, reunions, anniversaries or holidays.  Always

     A result between 67 and 100 points was considered highly workaholic. My score stood at 83.
  Highly workaholic? Small wonder I'm exhausted and demoralized. I'm fighting burnout already.

    How completely miserable I must be to deal with. My poor friends, my poor animals...poor me. I have no time for the things I love: piano, cooking, my friends, my animals, learning to play golf again. It was just a miserable cycle of working and sleeping.  Any leisure time at all is on a "strict schedule" so everything gets done.
  How do I stop?
  In the article "How to Stop Being a Workaholic" for wikihow edited by Daud Darseno, workaholics are encouraged to draw boundaries by limiting the amount of work (i.e. taking days off).
   "Limit the amount of time you spend working. Set aside one day of the week, such as Sunday, as a day of rest. Be strict with yourself in not working on that day. If the computer is your main work tool, try not to use the computer at all on your rest day. Set office hours for yourself, outside of which you don't allow yourself to work. For example, no work before 8 a.m. or after 7 p.m." 
  The hallmark of workaholism (perfectionism) is addressed.
   "When appropriate, limit the quality of work you aim to achieve. Don't always aim for super high quality work when it isn't necessary to achieve the purpose of the work. As Chesterton said, “If a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing badly.” Especially if that frees up time to do something else even more worthwhile." 

  Hmmm, doing a decent job versus a perfect job. Taking a whole day off? How could I ever live with the guilt of doing that?
  Additionally, suffers are encouraged to change perspective.
  "Make it a habit to periodically ask yourself, throughout the day, 'If I died in my sleep tonight, would I be happy with the way I spent my day?' "
  I considered my reality. I was dealing with a chronic illness. I suffered with significant pain in my jaw (bruxism) and neck (tension).  The constant angst of "getting everything done" made me tense and irritable. I hadn't talked to my brother in while. I hadn't walked Pansy  or seen my friends in two weeks. I was too busy to date, sleep in or even go to the doctor if necessary. Was this the life I wanted?
  The next dawned beautifully.  I lay watching the light play through the blinds. This was my day off. It was time to try something different, however agonizing and awkward it may be. As my Pathways training had challenged me: What did I really want? How would it be to be able to rest, to be emotionally tranquil?

    I squinted at the fine layer of dust sprinkled on my dresser. The  meticulous sweeper marks on the bedroom carpet had been erased by footprints. There was laundry in the dryer, needing to be folded and put away. The car still hadn't been cleaned.
    Pansy rolled over in her bed as I approached, begging for a tummy rub. I bent down and petted her a while, listening as she snorted happily.  It was a relief to not be rushed, to just enjoy the moment. 
  In Disney's "Frozen", Elsa leads a miserable life, seeking to be as others expect while hiding her true self.  Revealed, a liberated Elsa sings "Let it Go", embracing her once secret powers, finding at last a strength and happiness she never knew.